When you look for sth here

Wednesday, 30 November 2016

21 + 6

Apparently, that is the lucky number. This is how many times we will be spreading love, joy, smiles, and hopefully 'awww' moments around Xmas time this year. This is the amount of stamps a kind post office assistant will put on the cards this year, asking me kindly how I've been, and equally kindly calling me darling (this is that casual darling people say that means nothing more than 'hey, I recognise you, you're here often'; still it's nice of them)...

Is it too little? Is it perhaps too much?

If you think about the number of times we have been packing things up, it's probably brilliant. One of the greatest way of de-cluttering the place you live in is to move out; if it happens to be in another country, the better for you.
If you think about the number of times I failed to stay in touch with friends, like real friends, its pathetic.

But that is how things are. Sometimes it is better to leave them as they are. However important it is to keep relationships, nourish them, and cherish them, sending a seasonal card once a year won't help. It may in fact annoy the recipient: not her again, what does she want from me, and so on.

While the most crucial person in the world to me should always be, you guessed it, me:), the following question is when I am closest to happiness. In other words, what would I like to have happen (:))) Is it when I am drowning in my own thoughts, on my own, hopefully with a book (hey, that doesn't sound so bad:). Or is it rather when there is another human being who is willing to (dis)agree with me on any subject, from tree lights to the next step in my ever glowing (hehe) career path...

I guess this is the question anybody should ask themselves. When they are on their own, actually. In their own thoughts. With a book nearby, to act as a reward when the answer is found, cherished, and nourished. Right before the call ones make to a friend of theirs. To discuss the tree lights, for example...

Saturday, 12 November 2016

77 minutes

Not so typical Saturday evening.

Sitting in a sort of a bar waiting for a concert to start.

77 minutes. I've been waiting here for 77 minutes. Apparently, it's that magical amount of time one needs to wind out, chillax, as my friend advises me on an almost regular basis, and just cherish the moment.
No stress, no trouble, no issues.

Just sitting back, letting the thoughts pass.

A large glass of red wine definitely helps.

And, I just realised last time I was sitting in a sort of a bar on my own, waiting for a concert to start, feeling completely at ease with myself was never.

There's a first time for everything.
Glad this very time is now.

Thursday, 3 November 2016

Not yet broken

Everything seems to be wrong these days. Not in sync with the vibe I am desperately trying to create and stay tuned with. Which is probably the reason why right is beyond reach. Trying too hard but putting little heart or effort into actions, ironically.

Being a not so horrible parent is more challenging than ever. Writing, ha, when was the last time I did that? Ages ago. To the point that FB tells me I haven't posted in XX days... Even baking. All is not enough.

While it would be of benefit to break things down and get to the source of all this misery,  looks like that same old tempting I'm miserable tell me I'm great or I will drawn us all in tears approach is winning. Not helpful. Short-sighted. Pathetic.

There are people out there who would give anything for my 'problems', if only they could see the world again. Or walk again. Or be able to have a child on their own. Or live each day without a constant fear something, or someone is going to kill them.

They say attitude is everything. Look beyond yourself, don't be so selfish, they say. Stick to the positive.

Appreciate that. We are all changing so staying in any state for too long is never a good thing. But being nothing then positive is equally unnatural. One can't be constantly happy unless they are on something. And I would assume even then the body adjusts, so after a while that something is not enough.

Maybe that is exactly what should be driving anyone. Not enough. Rather than sticking to 'not', or to 'enough', one might just acknowledge not enough is fine when noticed. And try to move on.