When you look for sth here

Friday, 30 October 2015

150 it's magic

Apparently, it's a magical number. To me.
I had a brief look at what I've been posting here so far.

Overwhelming majority of entries - 90% of them - focuses on me:), and - what's worse;) - the trend is a significantly upward one...

Usually it's about everyday stuff, with 10-15% dedicated to less shallow thoughts.

Nothing shows the above mentioned magic.
But I know what's happening now is crucial.
I wish I was more sophisticated, showing better taste in music, or in literature (some say crime and mystery is an evidence of cruelty one hopes to have some day).

But I am who I am. As far as shame from my actions and thoughts come, it's less than ever.

Not perfect either. But I'm old enough to know this is true to anyone.

All I know is emotions tend to take over, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.
But are never, ever a mistake.

Thursday, 29 October 2015

Full moon celebration

Once, I had the best full moon celebration ever.

No, actually, when I think of it, few tweaks could probably make it a little bit better. But, since I am on a non-complaint challenge, and cannot switch my wristband from one hand to another while writing, will not moan. Unless... No :)

Happy moments.

Life is short. Enjoy it. Collect happy moments. These may stay with you for longer. Memories last. And help you when you're down.

Don't miss that.

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

On the road again

Memories seem to be hitting me again.
It's been years, literally years since I was on a train to Warsaw. This is beyond belief how life can make its turn. Almost like a full cycle.

All is the same. Yet nothing is.

Wrinkles, for example. Now they're here.
I do have specific approach to wrinkles though. I cherish them as they show the character of a person better then words. Sometimes even better then body language (especially when someone has done proper training on how to speak in public, how to hide own emotions, how to control excessive moves). I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but yes, clean and pure, and very young face is nice, I agree. But it somehow lacks authenticity of an experienced one. If you look closely, you may notice whether someone prefers to laugh, or to be frowned on something. Whether they turn their face away from new things, or are easily amazed with new things. Finally, are they decent, or are they mean. That last one might be a little bit of an exaggeration, I know. But it's usually true.
To the benefit of me:)

As far as Warsaw, the city, is concerned: it's still standing. It's still a form of retail celebration, and consumerism in its pure form. However, if you look at the main streets, outside of few shopping centers and several boutiques, it's PCB: pharmacies, charity shops, and banks. Looks like there are two main waves in the city: people spending as much as they can, and beyond (the 'beauty' of a credit card), and people suffering from chronic illnesses, buying used clothes, and managing their limited funds, not spent elsewhere. Sad but true. (Changing hand for my 'no-complaints challenge' wristband right now.)

Sunday, 25 October 2015

Respect and expect

While it was so much about me lately (I know...), the parenthood is still on the agenda.
I don't think it will ever be wiped off, truly.
Even though it does bring duties, and things to consider - while planning possible out and about for example - it is truly one of the most multi-layered, and colourful experiences a human being may have.

I sometimes wonder what have I been doing with all that time previously available, now focused on my Runner, and his older SuperSpider partner in crime.
Then again, I kind of manage to have some me-time, more than ever now, and to the detriment of others, now focused on the gang. But hey, you need to be selfish to live.
There's only one life.

I recently came up with this ideal 'raise your child in a nutshell' program.

And for me, it consists of three important steps:

Let go - I mentioned it several times already; leaving space to learn, make mistakes and grow out of them is crucial; obviously it is usually the second child, and third who gets these benefits - the first one is cocooned, cherished to the extreme, and needs to have much more strong will (stubbornness, for short) to let herself out and go.

Respect - now, that is part of the previous one, in a way, but it gets deeper; it goes down to waiting and explaining. Waiting for your little one to catchup, and letting him do it on his own, in his own pace. Explaining when necessary, yes, several times usually, not loosing patience (ekhm...), and talking.
Out of talking comes the love (as Amanda Price one said, main female character in the movie Lost in Austen; and I couldn't agree more).

Expect - that's the trickiest part. You put yourself in a position of the one who plans and leads the way. Now, not to turn yourself into an all-mighty goddess, despit and tyrant is just one of the threats here. To be understood, and to express your way clearly and firmly, that is the greatest challenge, for me at least.
Since I talk so much, I blur the image, and it is difficult to get any sense out of what I am actually trying to say. That applies to all, not only children, who - in fact - get to the core much quicker, not having so many assumptions and shortcuts created by previous observations in place. But it relates to respecting: if you're good there, you fly in leading.

It's as simple as that.

It's as difficult as one can imagine.

Friday, 23 October 2015

Stretching - Hallo and Death

And all of the sudden, Halloween is here a week before.

Everyone, literally everyone is already discussing dressing up, makeup, nail art, party tips, and coctail recipes.

While I appreciate the efforts taken (and part of me envies those who have time and energy to put it all together, not to mention people to be invited at...), I feel this irritation you can only understand when you see an elf, a Santa, and a reindeer in August. Already on their way with their  Hohohohos, and presents, packed neatly - all artificial, none of that natural.

For some, 1st November is a day to remember those who are gone, who used to be with us, but didn't make until this year. They are with us whenever we remember them, and sometimes we can almost feel their presence - if the attachment was serious, or imagination triggers off.

This is real, yet not tangible.

I wish they didn't make a show out of it, with rushes through cemeteries, people falling over themselves to install over complicated structures out of candles, and flowers - again, most of these artificial, none of that natural...

And for sure, there's going to be another police action to stay safe, focused on millions of people driving like crazy across the country to get on time for yet another heartless celebration of gossiping, show-offs, and quick cleaning of tombs. All in the light of safety.

They always call it 'Votive Candle', that action - at least that's the case for Poland.
I always felt a need to rename it, to something more appropriate.
'Organ donors and swaggers gathering - yet again', for example...

Thursday, 22 October 2015

Talking shield

Talking is my shield.
I usually pull out my otherwise dormant bubbly side of me when in danger.

Never really realised that though until recently.

Nothing unusual; many people start talking a lot - and let's face it, it's usually nonsense, and let's face it again, I'm not beyond norm here either - when they feel something is not quite right. Or when they're under stress.

Which is why when I am not so much afraid anymore, I fell into silence.
Haha, well, not complete silence, that wouldn't be me :)
But I limit talking, and pull out listening (finally!)

Now, thanks to one of few real friends*) I have I'm listening to Vinyl Cafe podcasts.
And it's both relaxing, and rediscovering.

One of their latest episodes is focused on the power of the untold.
Something I will probably never master, but keep on reaching for, nonetheless.

*) some may know the type, and if they do, they're really lucky:) it's the person you're blissfully unaware of, or pretend to be, since you're so busy and involved in so many things in your life, that you just don't call, don't email, don't message for months. Literally months.
And yet, when you finally realize last time you met, or spoke, was August last year, not August few months back... You email.
And they email you back like if nothing happen. And they're not angry, or irritated (or they're great at acting:)
And (how sophisticated my language has become...) when I really think of it, they are my only real friend. Sad and happy at the same time:) ...

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Step out and be happy

When you do something outside of your comfort zone, all of the sudden there's this calmness in you.

And you know you did well.

No admiration, no clapping, no appreciation from anyone required.
Just accomplishment in you. 
And a smile.

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

Hope and self-regard

I recently read this quote:
'Hope is the confident expectation that something good is going to happen' (Joyce Meyer)

Not sure if I can rely to this.
While I use the word pretty often, it's actually more due to the fact that I cannot find an equivalent:)
To me, hoping means - in short - giving up.
You don't do, you hope. You don't act, you wait. You don't go, you stay. And hope.

We tend to overuse the notion of hope, like if by some magical way it could transform what we wish and want into a reality, without a touch of action required; definitely no action on our side.
Selfish, really.
Then again, being selfish is the most natural feeling, unfortunately very well dispraised across modern societies. Wrongly interpreted as cockiness.

I only recently rediscovered my selfishness. And feel much better about it:) to the detriment of the others, possibly, but if they believe I can be happy and good to others without acknowledging me and my needs first... Well, then it's their problem.

I try to teach that to my kids. It's you who is the most important, it's your good opinion about yourself that matters most. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
It's difficult, but it actually goes down to little things. Like talking about something my Superspider girl chooses to wear. And teasing her a bit, saying that it will probably look not quite right.
Then she usually replies: 'No, it will not. And besides, it's me and I like it!'
My girl:))

Yet, selfishness requires action. If you want to do something for yourself, exactly - you have to do it. Otherwise it will stay in that unreal land of imagination, however nice and comfortable, and cozy, definitely not close to real life.

I don't cross out the power of hoping. In many situations, critical and everyday ones, it is all we got.
Also, I fully respect those who tend to cling to hope. And stay there.
But for me, it is a short-term stop.
Unless you're happy in that imagination land.

I am no more.

Sunday, 18 October 2015


There's always this irritating phase, sometimes usually lasting longer than expected, where everything is not in the right place. Typical during any rejuvenating project of any scale, from clearing your top drawer from papers, bills, and clips, to preparing yourself to throw into the not so well known.

I'm in the latter. 
And since mastering procrastination (hate the word, which I think I mentioned here before), I will easily focus on the former first. To the benefit of sets of drawers becoming spotless. But not for long:)

There's always this irritation and anger that accompanies such revamping endeavor.

But not this time. While I get angry with those little paper clips, suddenly appearing everywhere (never to be found when you actually need them, though), I feel complete stillness, silence, and calmness when it comes to the serious part.
Does that mean I have it thought through so well?
Does it rather mean I am completely ignorant of all the possible obstacles?

Recently heard you need to analyse yourself, and been told various methods how to do that, and then it's all about going with the flow.

So. I'm fastening my seat belts. And here I go:))

Saturday, 17 October 2015


This collection of thoughts - random, vague, and with clarity still being a long way ahead - was inspired by a book review done by lovely Nicola Sarah, available here

There are many who think we can do anything, and all that happens around us, with us, to us - is a reflection, or effect of our own doings.
There are equally many who strongly believe in all our lives being already planned, scheduled, and drawn somewhere by someone, with us only following, without being able to change anything.

I have no idea.
I used to be in the second gang, then moved swiftly to the first.
Now I don't know.

So many little things happening, tweaks appearing out of nowhere, relying to other experiences in my life of which I completely forgotten.

Meeting amazing people, of who I might have hard, but who I never thought would have any chance to welcome in my life, and who happen to be so in line with my thoughts, my beliefs, my understandings. 
To the point that it's actually scary.
And afraid not to scare them away. Since I talk that much - the threat is real:)!

I recall amazing movie, Blind Choice (Przypadek), by Krzysztof Kieslowski, equally amazing Polish director and creator.
It was a story of a guy whose life is shown in 3 different variations, all probable, and all started by either missing a train, or being on time at a platform.
The way it was shown, how he was meeting different people in various points of time, either being with them on friend terms, or just passing them by.
How his life was a combination of incidental and random acts, that in fact was neither.
All because of one simple activity he succeeded in, or failed to fulfil.

So I guess it makes me now a believer of both.
That life is a mixture of what we do, and who we meet - and we only can do this much.

Friday, 16 October 2015


1:53 am
Not a Sleeping Beauty. Again.
This time, however, there's nothing wrong with her lack of sleep.

It's as if the world was all hers.

Such a wonderful feeling. It will probably never happen again.

Enjoying while it lasts.


Monday, 12 October 2015

Into sports

There's something fascinating about team sports.

The clarity of rules (rugby not included; why there are 2 systems in place? Union and league? Is there anyone not confused with this?) versus the uniqueness of people following them.

The commitment, the need to participate, to do something together, to act out (a play is a play), to have fun, to release endorphins, to laugh, to get tired, to feel better about oneself.

While I tend to follow individual route, this is - let's face it - my decision of necessity, not of choice. If there were enough people around me who I know, who I could hang out, I would enjoy it much more than lonely walks (not bad either, quite a release and reshaping moment in between fascinating playground endeavors).

I think we're more animals then we tend to admit. We like to describe everything with sophisticated words and elaborated descriptions. But it all is much simpler.

Everyone of us has one life. One. 
And whether we spend it alone, or with someone, it's up to us.
We can have it all, we can stick to one option throughout our lives.
But it's up to us.

So, when your choice of loneliness is something bothering you, and there seems to be no one to ease it up, team sport might work. Not on all levels, and not in a long term.
But as a quick pick-me-up - it's great.

Sunday, 11 October 2015

Great success

Little things are no longer on the money. Now you have to do spectacular things, or shocking things to get noticed by a wider audience.
But I couldn't care less.

Therefore, my great success from this morning is this: a night slept through, and no wake up call at 3am:)))

There's 2 more, actually.
One is dealing with the present, although not very uplifting, rather necessary.
The other is something I have never done before, and I wouldn't even suspect doing.

But hey, life is about exploring, and being open to possibilities:)))

A breakthrough morning, indeed:)))

Saturday, 10 October 2015

Hit it

I was almost run over by a car yesterday.

It passed me by less than few inches away.
Quite scary, and all went into slow motion. Like in some kind of helpless movie about an elderly woman who wasn't sure which language she spoke.
(That is the result I got describing me in one of these silly games where you're suppose to read the third sentence from the page 45 of a book you happen to read at the moment. Mine was: 'It still isn't clear which language she's speaking'... There you go)

But that's about it in terms of any resemblance to the cinematography industry.
There was no zen moments.
No images of breakthrough milestones from my life flashing through my mind.

Just two thoughts, one about the kids. And another one not. Quite a nice one, actually.

I might share it with someone one day. Not now though. It's still too fresh, that whole adventure of mine.

Also, I'm consequently pushing away any what if questions.
No ifs. No deliberation over the past.
Just desperately trying to think about now, and about the future.
Not so desperately actually.
Well, maybe a bit (overthinking what already had happened used to be one of my favourite activities).
But only a bit:))

Friday, 9 October 2015


The last 3-4 weeks has been, for some reason, one of the most hectic periods of my life.

Not in general, but in terms of sleeping, it's almost as if I had another little baby to care for at nights.

Waking up around 3 am became a habit:)

And obviously, that is harmful to me, but it gave opportunity to think. A lot.

But, restoration and wit are on the money, therefore I had to do something to stop those night calls.

And I figured out that if I apply some kind of routine to those night wake ups, it really helps to sooth my brain, let it recharge fully, and feel fully refreshed in the morning (well, that part is actually closer to truth after cleansing, toning, and moisturizing, but it sounds good when it's said like that, right?:)

Basically, you have to go to the basics. And treat yourself like you would treat a little baby, that has no understanding, or a vague one at most, on what is going on, why she feels sleepy, why she is angry and cannot fall asleep even if she wants to.
It is common to have a plan then, with few activities coming one after another, and ticking the boxes as they're completed. The baby understands it's repeatable therefore it's safe, she knows what comes next and feels secure, she goes to sleep quicker (reality sometimes verifies that approach, but still, it usually works). This, and calm approach help massively.

I decided to do the same. Be calm and have a routine in place.
Like reading a book for 15 minutes, drinking a glass of water with lemon, and thinking a while. But not too deep. And definitely not worry about anything.
So for example the dreams I have are quite nice, and positive, and something I wish was happening in real life (and maybe it will, who knows:).
Thinking about those dreams is a great idea for my brain to wander around, and calm down.
And then, it is easier to go back to sleep.
Rather than spending 2 hours in this half-awake, half-horror situation, it is now half an hour at most.
And all that after one week of my 'method' of self-soothing being put in place.

Looks like I'm getting there:)...

Thursday, 8 October 2015

Love is

I read this yesterday.
And it struck me...

'A relationship, with a right person, is a release, not a restriction.'
(Beau Taplin, The Liberation)

This is exactly what I have been thinking about recently. A lot.

How does it happen that we bind ourselves to someone, and let them have our strengths, and powers, and feel good about it, and then, out of nowhere really, it starts to bother us?
Nothing changes yet everything is not the same.
Minor things which were nothing, which were just part of their personalities, which we even laughed at together, these are suddenly huge obstacles, something we cannot deal with every day.

No matter how huge the space between us, it becomes not enough.

And so, we miss each other - pass each other by. Wishing we were not together, wishing we were alone, wishing we could breath deeply, without that constant feeling of being watched, without that series of tips and hints of how we should do things the right way (obviously, our way is completely wrong, full of mistakes, and overconfidence).

And so, we get to the point, the breaking point, where - no matter the circumstances - we don't want it anymore.
We feel guilty, we get an idea we require too much, we know many people who are happy in much worse conditions, situations, relationships.

But then we think, why not deserve more. Why not be more at peace with ourselves. Why not be yourself, not just a blurred reflection of what somebody else expects. Reflection we hardly recognize as ourselves.

It's tricky:)

Life is a journey. Keep going.

Monday, 5 October 2015

one liner

If I were to think, which is my one-liner these days, that clause, or sentence, which I tend to use most, it would be this:
'It's tricky.'

Used in various contexts, and in different situations, seems to fill a gap in any reasoning I happen to express to anyone.

Today, it was used when I agreed with a lady who happen to get a bit lost while trying to identify the shortest way possibly from one metro line to another.
We went together, as I love helping people (it's selfish, really, it feeds my need to hear thank yous...). And we chatted a bit along the way.
She hasn't been in London for few years, and got all confused. I feel like a quarter Londoner at most, but it was a nice turning point of my afternoon today. Guiding someone.

She happened to be Welsh, and that brought some carefree memories of me hiking Tryfan ages ago, and then following my 2 companions down, also the shortest way possible, just like the lady from today.
Rather then elevators, lifts, and passages we had gravel, deep steep paths, and a jump from one stone platform to another, simply because it was quicker, and there was no point turning back... That day, I faced my fear for height for the first time.

Still, it was today when I said 'it's tricky'. Not back then.

Apparently, passing through a multi-level shopping centre is more challenging to me now then a mountain hike.

I'm getting older;)

Sunday, 4 October 2015


Does it even still exist?

Usually, when someone starts a sentence with 'honestly', or 'frankly speaking', you have 90% chances the clause that follows is fake.

Lying is now easier then ever.
That starts with images of fake bodies, unreal faces photoshopped to the extreme in the media.
Then there goes the idea we all have about ourselves, even if it's a subconscious one, the one we want others to know, not necessarily being a real reflection of who we are indeed.
Then economical reasoning - you won't tell your boss he is ugly and unfair, if you want to keep the job; best case scenario you end up muttering something and be looked at as a weirdo.

Then we have all that huge area of political correctness.
Then appropriateness.
Then social acceptance.

Lying becomes your second nature quicker than you think.
And then it slips through your appearance, your thoughts, your choices, and your beliefs.

So, when you come across someone who you can be really honest with, and not being judged, you should stick to him.

Cause it rarely ever happens.

Friday, 2 October 2015

Mustela UK maternity range product launch

That time yesterday, I was sitting in quite a comfortable chair at the French Chamber of Commerce in London, listening to a presentation describing Mustela.
Yesterday was also the day when their completely refurbished range of products was launched here in the UK.

Saying that I enjoyed the day is a huge understatement. There were laughs, there were treats, there was an interesting discussion about the products, and how carefully they are placed on the market.

How difficult, yet how simple it can all be, if you actually care.

Mustela has quite a unique approach to business; they don't want to sell as much as possible.
They want to sell wisely, to those who care, just like them, about their own quality of life, and about the life of others.
While I know for most it may sound like a marketing cliche, it really does matter.
All of the packaging is 100% recycled.
Only 8% of ingredients is non organic, and even then these are carefully selected raw materials, harmless for women and their babies.
Finally, the distribution is ran through independent pharmacies.
(Meaning, you want find them in the mainstream shop, next to a bunch of semi-dermo ones; but they're available online:)

The maternity range was initially tailored to suit the needs of expecting and existing mums.
But I think it would suit anyone.
The smelling is delicate, the packaging is quite appealing (that body:), and the product can solve your early stretch marks, or tired legs in a blink of an eye:)))

It's simply not to be missed.

For me, all these details were very important (you know, youth is in my soul, probably;), not necessarily that transparent when I face a mirror)...

But the icing on the cake was something else (the cakes were delicious however:)).
I met few wonderful inspirational women who write like me, have opinion on things, are successful and content with what they do in their life.
Women who I can look up to.

Thank you to Bloggers Launch (lovely Shabz) and to Mustela team (Veronique and Kristina) for yesterday.
Quite a day, I say. Quite a day ...:))))

Thursday, 1 October 2015

Up and in the air

And so I'm up again.

It's the usual magical 3am. Sometimes scary, but I got used to it by now.

I'm starting to enjoy these silent times, just for me. However detrimental to my health (getting better though, as now it's usually only half an hour before I drift back), there's no one around, and I can just read a little, and think a lot, or the other way round.

Life is short.

I've recently shifted - finally - from the past into the future. Instead of the usual 'I should've done this / I shouldn't have said that' breakdown, it's more about fantasies (not the very accurate word but it's 3 am, I'm doing my best here), and how I see my expectations and goals to be fulfilled.

Highly recommended :)))