Planning

I hate it. And I know how ridiculous that approach is; a mum with 2 children should be flawless in planning things. I am definitely not.
At the same time however, I love organising and preparing daily, or even weekly activities for my kids. It's beyond a week that frightens me, and freezes my super planning powers. It's a plan for me, and my life, that doesn't seem to exist.

Not true. I know exactly what I would like to do. I am just too scared to face that. And to follow my so-called dream.

However, recently I have been feeding myself with motivational speeches from the likes of Brian Tracy, Kyle Cease, and my husband;) to overcome that hidiously inappropriate shyness.

Technically, once you have exposed yourself more than once to complete strangers, you shouldn't feel ashamed of yourself. I refer here not only to the fact of giving birth to a child in a fleshy hospital environment; there is actually quite a significant history of me speaking in public. And being - surprisingly often - listened to. That, in short, should make me feel more self-aware, and let me look bright into the future I want to create for me and my closest ones.

It seems to be harder than I could ever imagine. While I am good in listening to others, express my empathy, and even provide a piece of advice here and there, which usually makes my day when feeling down;), I somehow struggle to give and follow a piece of advice myself.

Hm. Somehow my post on planning shifted to a pitiful attempt of a life analysis, provided by a psychologist I have never been... ;)))

10 days of silence

It's been ten days since my last writing experience;)
10 days of sun and run, warmth and laughter, exploration of grass, fruits and butterflies.
Quite an exciting time for my mini-man; quite an interesting time for my nearly 6-year old girl.
To me, it was all about talking with my parents, understanding where exactly we are in terms of settling down, recharging batteries for a busy autumn time, which is right around the corner. And eating;)))

While we are still bumping at each other sometimes, and talking harsh sometimes, it is good to have little ones around. They help to keep calm, ironically. And it's actually interesting to see how they change each day, both developing the smarts while bonding with their grandparents...

I still have trouble identifying exactly how I would like to spend the rest of my life, which is both pathetic and lazy, let's face it. But the ideas floating in my head are getting clearer every day, which is a little bit comforting.

I just wish I had the ability to keep in touch with my colleagues and friends I used to hang out with in different stages of my life, including studies, and first work... It's still too difficult for me to drop an e-mail once or twice a week. Again, pathetic and lazy ...

But I also realized - finally - that feeling and enjoying self-pity is most pathetic of all.
We really only have one lifetime to deal with all our doubts, emotions, feelings and words we inhale during every moment of our lives.
All this energy, previously used for keeping oneself low and expecting others to cheer one up all the time, may then be used for laughing together, talking together, quarreling together, and making up.

The most difficult thing in parenthood?

There is no one definite answer. 

Wrong. There may be infinite amount (;) of replies, but there should be one definite answer, thought over by each and every parent. It makes life easier to have that answer handy, somewhere at the back of your mind, available to pop up when needed.

It helped me recently. A lot.

I realised that for me it is my need to control, necessity to be in charge of my little ones' existence to the level that an average perfectionist would find an overkill. In short, I find it particularly hard to let go and set them free.

It was surprisingly uplifting, having realised that. 

It helped me to organise my everyday life better. It helped my little ones in their development. It gave me and my daughter so many more topics to discuss. 

Being with my parents recently helped here, again surprisingly ;) having multi-dimentional and sometimes contrary relationship with them used to make me more feisty, less vulnerable with them. I used to be the one who was always able to do things, being perfectly organised, thoughtful and caring.

Only now we seem to be getting over it, and seeing each others more sincerely. 

Having children on your own defitely helps. Being more at ease with everything definitely helps. Knowing your inner strength, different from the one related to parenthood definitely helps.

What took me so long? ;)))

Talking

I once saw Lost in Austen series. 

If we are indeed defined by what we see, I am a romantic soul trapped in cruel everyday existence of a typical sword master (this is where all the Heros, Crouching Tigers and Houses of Flying Daggers come to life).

There was one quote which I still recall (that is, apart from the funny and quirky fountain scene, but that was not about a sense of speech anyway), given by the main character of a fierce and vulnerable (just like me;) Amanda. She said: Make sure you talk (or sth similar). 'Out of talking there comes the love.'

So true. So so true.

I actually had a chance to test that again this afternoon, when we discussed respect and understanding with my 5,5-year old daughter. Trying to explain to her how important it is not to interrupt others (which is, to be honest, something I should be told as often as my little girl ...), and using good old reciprocity to illustrate what I was trying to say. 

I genuinely believe we can show our children how much we love them by talking to them. And that is not only limited to saying I love you (which is crucial, BTW, and left behind so many times). By spending time on discussing things, letting all parties speak, laughing and being touched together. This is what makes the bonding last beyond teenage years. 

Ironically, the more you talk, the more patient, and calm, and ready for more talking you become.

I wish I came to this conclusion sooner. That would save us many afternoons of me raising my voice, letting impatience and laziness take over;)

Be creative

Recently I have been reading a lot about art and its importance in everyday life, both for adults and children.
I also realised how good it feels to hold a brush in my hand when looking at my children having fun with watercolour and an old linen sheet on their grandpas' balcony.

Not every piece of information spread around is propaganda. It is just a matter of awareness, selection, and ability to reach for blissful inner joy everyone has. Oh, and patience when cleaning the paint from happy little faces and wriggly toes ;)

Generations

It's really important to show your little ones a 'proper' relationship with their grandparents. And, equally challenging.
One seem to be balancing between being a mom, and a child at the same time. It's tempting to be arrogant and opinionated towards your own parents, like if you are still a twisted and turned teenager, knowing everything best. But instead of feeling good with oneself then, you end up with bad aftertaste, and the little ones carefully looking at you. And scanning episodes from everyday life, one after another. And laying the groundwork for their own feelings, behaviour, and level of respect to their ancestors. Not good.
Juggling it all never ceases. The essence of life;)