When you look for sth here

Sunday, 5 November 2017

once in a lifetime comes appreciation

Taking credit for motherhood:)

 - Mummy, can I take my scooter to school today?
- You could, if you were going to school. It's Saturday though.
- Is it fireworks day today!?
- Yes, it is.
- So we're going on a journey!
- Yes, we are.
- Thats wonderful! How did you know it's today?
- Cause I'm a mum. Mums know such things.
- You're a genius! Now, let's check the weather.

Thursday, 21 September 2017

The Spy

I read the Spy with no expectations as such. To be honest, I had a chance to read Paulo Coelho books previously (who hasn't:), and I didn't find the vibe, however enchanting it was, as the one I could get myself lost in. I didn't understand the fascination behind the river bank where you cry, the idea of a pilgrimage didn't excite me. At the same time, I respected the ones who were fascinated, excited, and couldn't not stop talking about it.

This book, this is something different. Almost as if the author decided to travel to another planet, came back, and realised that here, on Earth, there are people like me;) - the ones who like to understand other human beings' motives. The ones who find it amazing how a coincidence (is it coincidence though, really?) can make you switch your life in an instant.

I loved the book. It gave me an insight into who the lady in question might have been - as we never really know for sure this is exactly who she was... Her behaviour irritated me, her actions and reactions made me want to step inside and talk to her (out of whatever she wanted to pursue). Her whole demeanour felt real.

Highly recommended.

Tuesday, 19 September 2017

Ups and downs

School term started, and after the first full week everyone is a bit tired. Days are surprisingly well organized (ok, not that surprisingly, I have always been good at putting things together, it just took some time to come back to that:) and packed. Not sure if we are able to keep it that way but it would be nice as it significantly increases likelihood of a good night sleep for all...

With my birthday and other significant dates slowly approaching I seem to be on a short-patience span end. The good side is, there is more discipline included and firm lines are being redrawn as to what is acceptable and what is not. The family rules we set over a year ago are being reread. That is definitely a good thing.

Another interesting thing is hearing a non-constructive criticism from somebody that I used to know and not being bothered by it. Whereas two years ago that same thing would make me want to curl up and cry.

And then the department of sharing and caring seems to be developing. Like today, when my SuperSpiderGirl had her portion of jellies and wanted to give half to me. When I ate two and said that it was enough and I appreciated it but didn't feel like eating any more, she said: 'Ok, I will leave it for you for later.' Then thought it over and said: 'Or, how about if I eat them for you?'

Sunday, 10 September 2017

Boats Festival and then this

It was a busy weekend. The first weekend of the school-year therefore (I was about to use 'so' but it's school-year after all, so come on:) an ambitious plan to keep things off screen was very much on, regardless the weather.

We went to different places, faced meltdowns, dealt with occasional tantrums, the usual. The more you go out, the easier it gets, so no need to dwell on these.

We met the most amazing couple there, sailors who are the 8th owners of the Firefly, a small boat built in 1923. We were not only invited on the boat (still in full operational mode*), we were treated to story spanning 70+ years. The Firefly was one of the boats saving soldiers from Dunkirk. In the 90s one of the saved veterans was actually on board, and recognized the boat when sitting inside. No need to mention, how emotional he felt.

Hearing that story made me emotional, too. Whether you are a pacifist, like me, or are for fighting no matter what, this can make you stop and think how life takes its turns.

And then me, looking at the Mini-Man who was in his element, wearing captain's hat, wandering around, kindly acknowledged by the hosts. When I expressed my usual apologies for his a bit too much of an interest in everything around, they were - again:) - kindly denied. Which made me think better about myself in a motherly context, at least for the next minute. That is, until the man added a comforting line: 'Don't worry, this boat survived a war. It has seen worse!' ...

That mixture of embarrassment and situational comedy awareness. A feeling most parents share. Some more often than others... ;)

*) Just to reassure all readers, despite our visit, the Firefly is still in full operational mode.

Thursday, 24 August 2017

951 years later, here we came

I forgot to mention, we went to Hastings.

This is not an extract from King Harald's diary. This is me speaking, again - !:), after a long while. Consistency, my way.

We went, we saw, we won. Trains and walks. Castles and fun fairs. Laughs and eye-openers.
We ticked all the boxes from the standard traditional what to do on a beach trip list: took a mini train, checked local attractions (merry-go-rounds and trampolines), ate fish and chips and lollies, and ice-creams, threw pebbles into the sea, hid from torrential rain on day 1, let the sun kiss our skins on day 2, hiked around castle ruins, and made friends with seagulls (as it later turned out, they were not making friends with us, rather with our food)...

But the most important was the invisible (yes, little prince, you were never wrong there:). Sometimes, in the midst of everyday life, one is not aware their little ones are not that little, after all. They turn out to be organised, helpful, responsible, and caring (that one I am blessed with quite often, heartwarming every time).

This is why travels are important. Even if it takes less than 2 hours, not 2 or 3 weeks, like it did for Harald (probably).


Sunday, 9 July 2017

It's magic

They're playing iPad games in the other room. Me, I'm having my hour of being oblivious to the world, with a book and a bed.

- mum, mum, he says coming over and looking at me, expecting to reply.
I don't. Just reply with a stare.
- mum, can you talk, please?
- you came over so clearly it's you who wants to talk (encouragement at its best), what's up?
- my sister has blood on her feet, he says.
- I see, is she in pain?
He nods.
- is she dying?
- yes
- so there'll be just the two of us now, you and me?
- yes
- I see. You came to tell me your sister is dying then?
- yes, of course.
- thank you, I say. Now you can go back to your games.
- I will, he says. And goes.
When I giggle and try to keep it silent (she didn't come to get first aid so noiseless laughter is fully justified), I can hear him coming back to his sister and saying to her: You are dead

... Sunday mornings. There's something magical about them.

 - she doesn't want to be my friend anymore, he says, sobbing.
(I'm a listener now, trying to complete a 15-minutes markup of that hour with a book that I started this morning.)
- why not?
- she's angry with me. My sister is angry with me. And I want her to be my friend, he says.

Then he adds something that makes this whole conversation a one-of-the-kind one. And worth remembering...

- because she is the best. And I want her to be friends with me.

... Sunday afternoons... the magic continues...

Tuesday, 27 June 2017

I like London in the rain

Have a feeling I wrote that already. It's a beginning of a song. The song, actually, as I recall the rhythm and the vibe quite well.

Anyway, it would suggest I like London 79% of the time. Including the fact June this year has been very summery, with lots of warmth and positive, summery feelings. No longer talking about the weather.

This whole being a mum thing is quite depressing. So nice weather actually helps a lot.

My thoughts today are very, very inconsistent, more than usual, at least. Thoughts floating around, banging at my door, trying to get in and overwhelm me.

The reason being, I lost it again. The being a calm and caring mum who doesn't get angry, counts to 100 at all times before saying a word, thinks before she speaks, and so on. Not today, sadly.

Not that it was that awful. But it is that feeling again, that irritating physical pain in my throat after I use that very low voice, not shouting really, but speaking with such intensity and opening almost all the filters between my brain and my mouth (never a good idea), when I know I lost it.

And now I am thinking, seeing my two little ones (although after our last amazing trip, of which I will definitely mention very soon), calmly sleeping, quiet and showing no signs of post-intense-maternal-attack stress disorder, I am drinking my orange juice (no wine, it's the middle of the week; rules, people!), and I am simply wondering, what did I teach my kids today?

First comes the guilt. I lost it, how can it be that I loose it, how can I expect them to deal with their own feelings since I cannot gulp down my own ones?

Then comes the reflection. I am not ideal (shocker), so maybe, just maybe (hello, my big fat justifier of all wrongdoings, you never let me down), it was a good thing, to let them know that I too have feelings that I cannot deal with?

Need to talk to them tomorrow. Ask how they feel.

Can't change the past. But can influence the present. Which, in turn, will modify the future, to some extent.
Cheers to that!